Monthly Movement - September 2024

Self-sabotage suppressions and social media silencing. A muggy marathon of a month.

September came and went faster than I could catch it. Maybe it was the immense amount of rain that kept me inside with the dogs while DJ has been traveling or maybe it was the jam packed schedule without a day off work for three weeks. Either way, the dogs are antsy for some outdoor action and I might be little vitamin D deficient.

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Changement - french for “a change”

Last week I went to my first ballet class since college. I didn’t realize it had been that long. Of all the dancing I’ve done no matter the lack of consistency, ballet was a clear departure from my upkeep.

I attended an Adult Ballet class at Richmond Ballet. I pulled down the bag of old dance clothes from the top shelf of my closet and ruffled through the layers of nylon and chiffon; my ballet shoes still never with the elastics sewn on – just knotted together to be looped around my foot in an x, my old thermal socks cut into ankle warmers which were key to the inevitable tendonitis that would strike up each winter, some leotards both a few that surprisingly fit and many that I could hardly imagine ever did, and more skirts than I ever remember acquiring.

When I entered the studio, I b-lined it to the far stage right barre that would keep me safe from the mirror for at least the first part of class. Most of barre actually felt pretty good except for the clear lapse in sequencing, lost over the years. My releve’ was weaker than I expected and my left foot in particular seems destabilized. I started to reflect on how much of my daily strength in the first 25 years of my life were developed by these movements that were simple six years ago and are now humbling me.

We went to center and there it was, the fucking mirror. I had chosen the tan-ish gold leotard for class and it didn’t do my offensively pale skin any favors (nor did the florescent studio lighting). The critic in my head immediately started observing the flaws that stared back at me and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to run out of that class immediately.

There were other frustrations, I can’t turn like I used to – my former greatest strength to show off, and jumps made my feet feel like miles from my brain. I start thinking about all the ways I need to crack down on my self discipline before I remind myself that some of that intensity was what pushed me away from this to begin with. My therapist will be proud the next time we meet.

I sat in my car after for a little while and waited for the tears because there was sadness and frustration there. But I guess the desire and drive to get it back was stronger so I made a plan to make Mondays my ballet nights and last night I went with my trusty purple leotard instead.

Conversations in Digestion:

Disconnecting myself from my worth in work

All month I deprived myself of time to tend to my own projects while keeping up on my obligations to others. I just finished presenting an evening of screen dances for the VCU dance department which was a whirlwind experience of scrambling budget, films, communications, and more. The screening was a success given it’s limitations but I am reminded of the emotional roller coaster that is creating, presenting, or curating art.

Pre-event jitter: Did I present the right work? Did I cover enough variation to represent the topic? Is is weird that my own film is in there? Will the faculty be happy with this contribution of mine to the school year?

During the event: What is going through everyone’s mind? Oh gosh I didn’t realize how that part of the film would read until I am sitting here with others. How are the dancers responding? How are my friends who came to support me feeling?

After the event: Did I let them down? How do I respond to the congratulations extended? Do people actually mean the things they say or are they just being nice? Are they already scheming who is better to have this position than me next year?

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I don’t like being visible. I haven’t for a long time. There’s a reason I found my footing as a choreographer more than a performer, why I belong behind the camera more than in front of it, but teaching has asked me to be perceived – by students, by colleagues, as a leader, as an artist.

Being a behind the scenes type also means I’ve always leveraged others to be a critical part of my creative process. When I have budget to pay a model, asking for their presence is of no issue, but lately – as I’ve craved more of my own creative interest, I find myself feeling lonely in my independence.

It’s admittedly a bit emotionally exhausting needing other people in order to be my own as an artist.

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I’ve always put too much stock in sense of self-worth by my work. I think its something that becomes almost inherent through creative careers. For years, I’ve put my ongoing clients’ handles in my own Instagram bio as if to ensure that anyone who stumbles upon my account will quickly note my relevancy to particular topics, brands, or expertise.

Last week, I removed all of those handles. I’m drained by the capitalistic nature of trying to fend for my relevancy and I’ve lost the plot of my creative integrity through network visibility. Not to say that my Instagram is the most important place for people to learn about me, but I’d love for it’s role in presenting my creative work to be what informs newcomers far more than leaning on my employers’ clout – and that felt really good to release.

Besides, at this point, I’m working so many jobs that I was testing the character limit.

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Monthly Flavors

• Habit change: I am trying to train my brain to rid itself of social media intake. While social media is a key function of some of my work, I find myself relying on it to fill voids in my time all too much. I’ve been challenging myself to ask why I’m opening an app. If I’m wanting entertainment, I ask myself if I can pick up a book or tune into an audiobook or podcast instead. If I need to disassociate and decompress, I look into if there’s an easeful yoga class available at Taou or take the dogs on a walk. If I need to keep my hands busy, play a game or channel that restlessness into a needed task. It’s not resolved yet and my screen time is still dangerously high, but its helping to break some habits and claim my time back from tech.

• Reading: I just finished listening to Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kingsolver. Some reflections are below but I’d really love to know some of your novel suggestions to add to my audiobook queue.

  • First off, audio book cadences have always been a tough auditory experience for me but I’m finally getting into them. Especially novels which I don’t often read but make for great companions while editing or taking care of household tasks. This one in particular I quite liked the audio experience of.

  • Second, I recognize there is particularly close scrutiny right now on books telling stories of Appalachia that may be more harmful than honest of the communities. I know there are some hesitations out there regarding Kingsolver’s potential contribution with this book but I would argue that when finished and given the final two chapters alone makes for some poignant respect for the sense of community and love for one another that is unique to Appalachia.

  • Third, it’s vibrantly written to immerse you in the mountains of Southwestern Virginia. Admittedly, living in Virginia gave it some much appreciated context but it also makes the news of hurricane Helene’s recent devastation on Western North Carolina and Southwestern Virginia so much more devastating in its vivid nature. Please keep your eyes peeled for how to help people looking to rebuild and be cautious of organizations looking to make a buck off of this.

• Watching: I watched the Holdovers the other night which has been on my list since it’s Oscars success. There are a lot of reasons to appreciate the film from it’s 35mm style to Da'Vine Joy Randolph’s well deserved Best Supporting Actress winning performance. It’s a lovely story, honestly a bit predictable in plot, and yet endearing and rich in New England nuance.

• Podcasts: It’s been a while since I tuned into Ologies which is a favorite podcast of many but it’s come back into my view lately as I seek to fill my social media consumption with better educational resources. This one about Coffeeology was wonderfully informative and not pretentious as one might expect from it’s subject matter.

• Cooking: To be 100% candid I have nothing to offer here. It’s been a lot of frozen pizzas and half-assed salads around here. My attention has been so maxed out by other obligations that I really need to better prioritize meal preparations, especially as fall flavors come back into access. Please send your best easy and nutritious meals.

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Current drafts that may or may not publish

• Why you can always look to the sternum to identify a body at home in movement.

  As always, I just want to say thank you. If you’re taking the time to read this or anything I put out there. Giving myself this space to write publicly forces me to work through some mental barriers and tease out the sparks that flicker around my brain without anywhere to go. Even your remote interest in knowing what goes on up there is immensely appreciated.

  Written by Tori Duhaime, photographer and movement artists

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