Monthly Movement - April 2025 and a little bit of May

Routines and the sense of self that hangs on their reliance.

I just got back from a week of overcommitted photoshoots spanning a dress rehearsal for a local dance company, a media event for AllTrails’ new app features in upstate NY, a media showroom documentation in NYC, and my annual Gravista race coverage in the Blue Ridge Mountains. These busy weeks are wonderful for so many reasons, and then I inevitably come out of them feeling similar to after a night of drinking, wondering what things I said that I shouldn’t have said, fearing I let someone down by being too needy or not delivering on my promises properly, and utterly exhausted.

Anxiety is a cold hearted bitch for how she takes over the post-mortem of anything fun or successful. Lately, I’ve noticed how this has caused me to be less of a positive person to be around, a Debbie downer if you will, likely a result of working alone 90% of the time in my home office as much as fearing the death drop of an anxiety exhaust should the highs get too high. Just another personality trait I’m learning to work on.

The editing pain cave is real this week, and frankly, I feel guilty taking the time to sit down and write. However, I’ve managed to deliver two full galleries this week already, and focusing on words instead of the slight differences between different shades of green is refreshing before resuming as soon as I send this out.

Dogwood Dance Project

On routines

Routines have always been a difficult regularity for me and typically required outside expectation and validation to be instilled. Not unlike most, I get a spurt of inspiration to “get my shit together” and overdo the habit building expectations only to lose every task collectively during my next burnout phase or a disrupted schedule. Then it’s back to square one of trying to set unrealistic and often unhelpful goals.

My partner and I have had a somewhat general bedtime routine for a few years now that came by accident over naturally taking on a rhythm in our one bathroom home and I’ve noticed myself feeling increasingly loyal to that rhythm for my sleep schedule. Good sleep is a priority for me, but waking up, not so much.

I feel as if I never really came out of the COVID lockdown haze because I never had a “return to office” moment and stumbled into freelance work during that time. But something has clicked recently, and I’m not sure how or why, but the flow of “living” is finally evolving in my day-to-day.

Since returning from Switzerland, something about the regularity of optimizing my day in new places resurged a little more practicality for mornings. I remember this feeling after my bulk of solo traveling in 2017, where I got to practice a daily freedom of choice by walking out of whatever cheap hostel I had found, turning right or left, and stumbling upon something new. Travel invigorates the mind to be more critical in its utility, and trying to resume daily grinds behind the computer just doesn’t use those same muscles.

It started as being better about making it to yoga classes a few days a week, a cadence that dropped off during the winter months. The dogs have been in need of a little more attentive stimulation as Hayduke has developed some arthritis and Eldora ages quickly, so daily backyard fetch has turned to more neighborhood walks.

Then there has been food, a really loved yet delicate part of my day, as someone with strong cravings and disordered eating habits. I finally figured out how critical protein was for my day as a part of my breakfast as much as fiber. I keep easy protein shakes from Costco in the fridge just to ensure I have something easily in reach for the days I am struggling to lock in, but have been making a robust yogurt bowl most mornings for a more whole foods-based breakfast. (Recipe below)

I’ve never been a journaler, despite wanting to be as the format always made me feel stuck in a “Dear Diary” format but over the last year I’ve gone in and out of trying to maintain The Artist’s Way’s morning pages (three pages of stream of consciousness) and I’ll say, it’s slowly becoming a habit and I’m finally getting it.

The real point here is that I’m discovering the habits as I sample them, more than prescribing them to myself, and that feels like a shift in the mentality of creating a better day. To be candid, my self-esteem is going through the ringer these days and taking dance classes that put me back in front of full-length mirrors sometimes risks it all crumbling down, but the rest of my day’s structure to help me focus on how I feel inside my body rather than about my body is padding the difficult space of self-depreciation in my mind.

I’m not going to be another girlie-pop on the internet telling you about my morning routine but I will tell you that those girlie-pops do have the right idea if only they’d tell you how inconsistent it really can be, how unrealistic it is on those travel days or after a night out with friends, and how trying to build a whole routine in a day without foundations might crumble. Start small. Explore habits in bite-sized pieces. Find what works, and when it works, give it grace to grow, falter, or change.

We’re not robots. Routines aren’t for programming; they’re for living.

---

1: Wellness by Nathan Hill | 2: Time with friends in NYC | 3: Hayduke claims his domain on the porch | 4: Motell, my best friend who I suddenly get to see regularly in NYC | 5: Working from Scribner's Lodge in Hunter, NY on assignment. | 6: Arc'teryx Kragg approach shoes keeping me going on my sixth shoot of the week

April Flavors

• Additional Highlights:

  • DJ and I made a weekend trip to NYC primarily for a hardcore show he attended while I caught up with some friends. We ate some fantastic food, hung out with friends, and it was short but just right.

  • I got our screened-in porch cleaned up for warm weather and DJ just got fresh screens put on so we can spend more days outside, bug free. That porch is my favorite place in our home to be and apparently Hayduke’s too now that he can perch on the lounge out there to keep neighborhood watch.

• Reading: While we’re talking about habits and unrealistic expectations of ourselves, I recently listened to “Wellness” by Nathan Hill. I do suggest listening to it as it’s a dense and long book with unique uses of citations and character voices to move the plot along, and the delivery of the narrator helps it communicate the character’s thought process. I’ve heard is a lot for reading, but I found its listening experience to be fantastic. Based on its summary, I expected it to get really outrageously futuristic in the consumerism of wellness and was pleasantly (or eerily) surprised at its realistic and relatable plot. I cried at the end, in fact I think I cried a bit in the middle as well. Hill really creates an interesting case for the placebo effect in a multitude of ways and teeters you on the edge of ethics throughout the book.

  • I also want to plug that I recently came across Read your Color which has been a fun venture into understanding why some books work for me while others don’t. It’s new and I’m sure will be developed over time to be more finite but catch me in the purple reader category.

• Watching: I finally watched Conclave - I know, I’m behind on this, but as someone who grew up without much awareness of how religious systems work, I’ll admit I was fascinated by the recent happenings in the Catholic Church on a global scale and figured it would give me some insights even if fiction. I’m not sure how I made it this long without the ending of that film being spoiled but I get the hype now and it deserves all the awards it won.

• Cooking: This is that yogurt bowl I mentioned above which I admittedly took mostly from this random TikTok by @gleebaboob_ that came across my feed and it sounded delicious and nutritious. Not to mention, I had never thought about putting juice in my yogurt to flavor it, which has frankly been a game changer for me. This looks complicated but it’s really a simple mix of goodies.

  • Prep for the week. I portion out two days at a time in canning jars so the chia seeds have time to expand using the liquids and it makes the morning quicker to put the rest together:

    • Plain Greek yogurt

    • Chia seeds

    • Flax seeds

    • 100% tart cherry, pomegranate, or other juice of choice

    • A little maple syrup for sweetness

    • Mix it all up well in your canning jars and put them in the fridge.

  • Morning of. I often mix this all together and let it mingle while I do my morning pages before eating with a newsletter to catch up on or an audiobook in my ears:

    • 1-2TSP Toasted sesame seeds (I thought this was going to taste bizarre, but it’s a surprisingly good match)

    • 1 TBS Hemp hearts

    • About 1 tsp of lion’s mane*

      • *I’ll be honest, I have been skeptical about the lion’s mane hype for years, and I am still unsure if it’s a placebo, but I genuinely feel more alert and focused since incorporating this into my mornings so if its a placebo but not causing any additional harm, I’m into it. It took a little getting used to in the yogurt, but it’s now a flavor I enjoy in the mix.

    • Hand ful of fresh or frozen blueberries or other fruits to top it off

    • Optional to add nuts, granola, or other toppings but I usually stop at the fruit step

• Listening: I’m not sure what has come over me lately but I have simply wanted to listen to Chopin and Brahms lately or anything with the cello. Something about the cello has always been visceral to my body which is why I also love Murder by Death and the Dead South so much. Speaking of, DJ and I got to see the Dead South again last week before I left on my work trip and I cannot stress enough how worthwhile it is to see them live. The production value, the energy, it’s just a really good time.

• Cosas (stuff in spanish): I have no business trying to influence anyone to buy anything but I do have to rave about some shoes. I bought the Arc’teryx Kraggs because I’d been eyeing them for a long time now and because I needed to rep our clients at the showroom last week. What I thought would be passively comfy shoes have become my favorite shoes for daily use and more importantly, photo shoots. The stretchy top holds them secure to my foot with no hot spots. The soft back and slide in capacity makes them flexible for my weird standing positions while on shoots without restrictions. The Vibram soles make them grippy and durable for when I stand in weird places to get the shot. The soft footbed is oh so comfy. I wore those shoes for five out of my size days of photo shoots last week and never once was in pain. Who knew an easy access approach shoe would be such a game changer.

  As always, I just want to say thank you. If you’re taking the time to read this or anything I put out there. Giving myself this space to write publicly forces me to work through some mental barriers and tease out the sparks that flicker around my brain without anywhere to go. Even your remote interest in knowing what goes on up there is immensely appreciated.

  Written by Tori Duhaime, photographer and movement artists

  Instagram | Website